Have you noticed that the mosquitoes this year are as angry as a greengrocer forced by his wife to go to IKEA on a Sunday at 2 in the afternoon?
Last night, one bit my ear so hard that I now have a piercing.
And what exactly are mosquitoes good for?
Nothing.
I searched on Google and found that they are supposedly useful for:
Pollinating: but the bees already do that; so find your own job, mosquitoes.
Feeding other animals: well, other animals, change your diet.
There are vegans, fruitarians, potato lovers. There is something for every taste and preference.
Get by without mosquitoes, for Jupiter’s sake.
And then they say mosquitoes are necessary for cocoa.
Apparently, without them, we would not have chocolate!
Mother Nature, that is a low blow.
You create the most annoying insect in the world and give it a vital role in producing the most delicious food in the world?
Mother Nature, you are a bitch; you are more deceitful than the girl who left me saying that it was because she liked me too much.
But I have a solution: I will stuff myself with white chocolate, which does not even know what cocoa is, and you can shove it.
And by the way, it is only the female mosquitoes that bite, and not all of them—just the fertilised ones.
Now, since I am in my bedroom and in the living room there is a group of fertilised female mosquitoes chatting about Tupperware, a question comes to mind: How much do male mosquitoes have sex?
If you find a male mosquito, you will likely find him on the sofa with his legs behind his head, smoking a cigarette and watching a replay of Sambenedettese versus Ascoli [very low level football teams] with the satisfied look of someone who has just fertilised a hundred mosquitoes.
By the way, the mosquito is the deadliest animal in the world.
I mean, it is the one that causes the most deaths: you probably thought it was snakes or spiders or mothers-in-law.
But no.
It is mosquitoes, which take a bit of blood from Mario, who has the Rhombus-itis, and then they come to me, take some blood as well, but they are still dirty from Mario, so they pass the Rhombus-itis onto me.
And I die.
All because my blood is very nutritious for mosquito eggs.
But be warned: contrary to what many think, mosquitoes do not just suck… well, you get the idea.
No.
Mosquitoes also inject.
Basically, they spit into the little hole before sucking your blood.
This is because their saliva contains anticoagulants and anaesthetics, so you are sitting there, all relaxed, watching your third adult film of the hour, and meanwhile, the mosquito has numbed you and is helping itself like it is at a McDonald’s Drive-Thru.
It is precisely this saliva that causes the itch, but by the time you notice, the mosquito is already on the beach, wanting to go for a swim, but another mosquito shouts, “No, you have just eaten, wait at least 3 hours.”
Beware!
Mosquitoes sleep during the day.
That is when you need to find them.
They are usually in the shade.
You approach the little bugger.
You watch it snoring like a stable hand.
You get closer and start going “buzz buzz buzz” in its ear.
That way, you will see it cursing at humans, but at that point, you will smack it with a slipper, shouting the classic “take that!”
Forget about oils and other nonsense because they are useless, the only effective solution is to sleep with everything shut. Every time you open a crack to the outside, turn off the lights, the candles, and the standby Led of the television.
Throw your life into a medieval existence without electricity, live by candlelight but extinguish them when you leave.
Become invisible.
You will have a miserable life, but at least you will not be scratching like a block of Parmesan on a plate of pasta.