My son-in-law owns a successful fish restaurant in town.
Finding the right staff has been challenging, but he recently ran a humorous ad on social media that quickly filled all positions.
NOTE:
The original ad was slightly different, and something would have been lost-in-translation, so I redacted it to suit non-Italian humour.
STAFF WANTED FOR A WELL-KNOWN RESTAURANT IN PALERMO, SICILY, ITALY
WAITER POSITIONS
Salary:
- 800€, unless you steal, then it is less.
- 900€, if you steal but are nice.
- 1000€, if you are an absolute beginner and do not speak Italian, we will pretend you are a tourist.
- 1100€, If already had a part-time job, have a diploma, and can count to ten, you are hired.
- 1200€, if you have some experience, can speak Italian and make a decent tip, you are a superstar.
- 1300€: if you have experience, speak Italian and you are fluent in an additional language other than Sicilian (no, for waiters Sicilian is not another language; yes, Sicilian is the preferred language of cooks).
- 1400€: If you are nice, speak another language (I said no! Sicilian is not considered another language!), and know your wines, you are practically running the place.
- 1500€ is like 1400€, if you throw in a bit of responsibility, understand economics, and can make a profit, then you are the next owner.
- 1600€: additionally, you must also know how to speak wine like a sommelier (no, alcoholic or drunkard does not count as “wine expert”) and maybe also a second language, you are a living legend.
- 1700€/2000€, if you are so good we cannot live without you.
KITCHEN STAFF
Requirements:
*Must be able to cook.
- Italian is not required as a language but Sicilian is compulsory; for details you should talk to our Chef.
- Bonus: If you can handle our Chef, you are a superhero.
WORK HOURS
Expect something in between those of Django (if you do not know anything about cinema, do not bother turning up) and a government job.
CONTRACT
Mandatory, unless you are on welfare; in this case we will negotiate, and you have to learn how to get up really early in the morning.
HOLIDAYS
Available: but do not ask for time off in August unless you want to be fired.
APPEARANCE
Professional: It means that if there is a machine gun or a dagger with blood tattooed on your cheekbone, you do not have any.
Exception: If you are a famous rapper, then we will make an exception.
APPLICATION
Send us something; anything but “INFO”, or we will come to your house and kidnap your dog.
NOTE
To report issues or sue me: Contact our lawyers.
Good luck: You will need it.
P.S.
If you are reading this and thinking, “this sounds like a nightmare”, you are probably right.
P.P.S.
If you are still reading this, you must be really desperate.
But seriously, we are a great place to work.
Just do not steal anything, and please, do not ask for time off in August.