NEW ELEMENT ADDED TO THE PERIODIC TABLE: ADMINISTRATIUM
Investigators at a major research institution have recently discovered the heaviest element ever known to science.
This astonishing new discovery has been provisionally named Administratium (Ad).
This new element possesses neither protons nor electrons and therefore has an atomic weight of zero.
It does, however, contain 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, giving it a total atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force known as morons, surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is chemically inert.
However, it can easily be detected because it slows down every reaction with which it comes into contact.
According to the discoverers, an infinitesimal quantity of Administratium is sufficient to cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to require more than four days.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years.
It does not decay; instead, it undergoes an internal reorganisation in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons continually exchange places.
In fact, the mass of an Administratium sample tends to increase over time because, during each reorganisation, some of the morons inevitably transform themselves into neutrons, thereby forming new isotopes.
This characteristic process of moron promotion has led some scientists to speculate that Administratium forms spontaneously whenever the concentration of morons exceeds a certain critical threshold.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the “Critical Morass”.
Administratium possesses one particularly remarkable characteristic: it is immediately recognisable to any normal person, without the slightest need to be a nuclear scientist specialising in astrophysics.